HELLO, all you fabulous fatties & chubs! Boyd here, bringing the latest & greatest in Fat Facts, the do’s and don’ts of our rotund community, and well…I suppose some lovely thoughts in ways of improving our obese world.
Now, before we start, I must encourage you all to read the information that my dear Roberta disclosed earlier in. We are who we are…YOU are you. We don’t want you to change. We just want you to be happy…I can hear the mammoths now…We are happy. I’m proud. I’m confident….blaring like elephants in heat! Sister, I know you’re not happy when those pants you purchased recently…you know the ones.. the ones you thought you’d buy one size smaller, so it would motivate you to lose that extra squishum. Yeah the pants that are still one size too small. Uh-huh…Not a problem ….YET!
My dear fat friend, since you didn’t lose what you hoped, you need to LOOSE THE PANTS. Take them back for a size that will fit you comfortably. DO NOT THINK THAT PUTTING THOSE ON WILL MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD. IT DOESN’T. Not only does it not make you look good, but you must not be feeling that great. I’m sure the elastic that is creating imprints in your stomach from the TOO-TIGHT PANTS, are causing great pain and much chaffing every time you lift a thigh. Not only are we talking pain, but the new growth that has formed around your waist…a ring of squishum. You can NOT hide that ring. I don’t care how hard you try. Well ok, I take that back…IF your squishum ring is slightly on the smaller side, you can wear something such as a jacket, shirt, blouse, but it must be made of a thick, heavier material, so it sort of hangs over it, instead of clings to it. AVOID CLINGY MATERIAL when you have the ring.
See…NOW, this is what the FAT FACTS are about. We are here to make YOU look better. You need that someone to tell you, HEY SISTER…YOUR STOMACH IS HANGING OUT OF YOUR PANTS! PULL YOUR PANTS UP. COVER THE GUT! We just want to beautify or bulging world. How could anyone not be happy about that?
BOYD
Monday, March 22, 2010
Hobbit Horror
For those that don’t understand this blog, you don’t have to… The truth is this is a VENT about things blog which gives us the right to say what we please, as we are both chubby Americans we feel as if we are allowed to voice our concerns with the people of today that choose to make FAT a disease. Please let me remind you that if you are a viewer or a follower of this blog it is at your OWN will that you are reading this and remember that EVERYONE is entitled to their opinion EVEN if it may be different from yours. Also NO ONE is holding a gun to your head to read this blog, therefore if you have an opinion great if you are offended then stop reading. Have a nice day.
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood a beautiful day in the neighborhood wont you be mine wont you be my neighbor. While on the subject of neighbor I must say that I have the winner of the neighbor. Once upon a sunny Sunday afternoon there was a knock at the door, to my surprise there was a 2 X 8 foot Hobbit. Yes I say the word hobbit because he looked like the plumpest, juiciest hobbit in town. So there he was Bilbo Baggins himself at my front door. He proceeds to introduce himself as my neighbor that I have been hiding from, to my surprise I say… “hiding from” to which his reply was “yes, we have been watching you, you get home late and you leave early” so at that point I wanted to grab my bow and arrow and point it at his Hobbit head due to the fact that I was shaking in fear. (secretly I was picturing a fat Dobby (from Harry Potter) leaning over my face while I lay sleeping as I get smothered by his front butt of fat. ) I’m sure the look on my face said volumes in what I was thinking as I am an expressive person and can’t hide emotion well. He then chuckles his jolly ol’ St. Nicholas laugh and said “oh no not in a creepy way… we haven’t been watching you as in a horror film way, we have just simply noticed that you come home late and leave early, so I thought since you were here on a Sunday Afternoon I would take the time to come meet you” I then was freaking out due to the fact that he just referred to his stocker ways as a HORROR film…. At this point I was horribly frightened and wanted the conversation to end, wishing that my dog didn’t have a hip problem and would attack at the command, however she would probably pee in fear at the large hobbit that has made my front porch a possible crime scene. I then say to Mr. Claus as the door is shutting “well it was great to meet you sir, I feel safe knowing that you are watching out for me over there” to which his reply is… “Oh yes, we sure wish we had a busy life like you seem to have.” Great to meet you , shake hand limply…. Door close….
Sigh….. followed by a peek out the window and to my concern the walk of shame down my front walkway was like the Penguin from Batman walking away without victory. Now do I have cause to be concerned? Is my Neighbor really the hobbit in the horror film that comes to peoples houses telling them they are being watched? CLUE? My guess is In the Kitchen, with the Hobbit… the Murder Weapon…. Death by FRONT BUTT SMOTHERING.
I’m Fat, I’m Happy just concerned for my fellow Americans who waddle. Love Roberta
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood a beautiful day in the neighborhood wont you be mine wont you be my neighbor. While on the subject of neighbor I must say that I have the winner of the neighbor. Once upon a sunny Sunday afternoon there was a knock at the door, to my surprise there was a 2 X 8 foot Hobbit. Yes I say the word hobbit because he looked like the plumpest, juiciest hobbit in town. So there he was Bilbo Baggins himself at my front door. He proceeds to introduce himself as my neighbor that I have been hiding from, to my surprise I say… “hiding from” to which his reply was “yes, we have been watching you, you get home late and you leave early” so at that point I wanted to grab my bow and arrow and point it at his Hobbit head due to the fact that I was shaking in fear. (secretly I was picturing a fat Dobby (from Harry Potter) leaning over my face while I lay sleeping as I get smothered by his front butt of fat. ) I’m sure the look on my face said volumes in what I was thinking as I am an expressive person and can’t hide emotion well. He then chuckles his jolly ol’ St. Nicholas laugh and said “oh no not in a creepy way… we haven’t been watching you as in a horror film way, we have just simply noticed that you come home late and leave early, so I thought since you were here on a Sunday Afternoon I would take the time to come meet you” I then was freaking out due to the fact that he just referred to his stocker ways as a HORROR film…. At this point I was horribly frightened and wanted the conversation to end, wishing that my dog didn’t have a hip problem and would attack at the command, however she would probably pee in fear at the large hobbit that has made my front porch a possible crime scene. I then say to Mr. Claus as the door is shutting “well it was great to meet you sir, I feel safe knowing that you are watching out for me over there” to which his reply is… “Oh yes, we sure wish we had a busy life like you seem to have.” Great to meet you , shake hand limply…. Door close….
Sigh….. followed by a peek out the window and to my concern the walk of shame down my front walkway was like the Penguin from Batman walking away without victory. Now do I have cause to be concerned? Is my Neighbor really the hobbit in the horror film that comes to peoples houses telling them they are being watched? CLUE? My guess is In the Kitchen, with the Hobbit… the Murder Weapon…. Death by FRONT BUTT SMOTHERING.
I’m Fat, I’m Happy just concerned for my fellow Americans who waddle. Love Roberta
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